The Blog is back... Game on!

Long time no see folks! Yes, it is true, it is back! The blog that will chronicle my adventures down under in the far away lands known as Australia! Why did the blog stop for a while, you ask? well, long story short, I wasn't still 100% sure if was even going or not, but I am happy to tell you that it is truly happening. I am going! So, just to recap, I'm heading over to Brisbane to study at Griffith University for three years. Orientation begins on February 18th 2011. Doing a bachelor of arts degree, sipping colorful drinks and petting koalas.

This is supposedly bad weather over there. Look at those miserable bastards...

I have to tell you though, it's been really tough to get this far in my plans for global domination and going to Australia. There was the issue with getting the funding, I had to get an another job, crazy Iphone people, attempting to prove to the University that yes, I can speak English and then there's selling all my stuff. Before, getting into all of this, I obviously believed Hah, I do what I want and thus it is easy... How wrong was I...

Hubris

 Alright, my escapades of the past six months haven't quite equaled the sinking of the Titanic, but I have to admit that there were a few icebergs. First off the whole funding issue. Sure, it was a simple matter of getting a loan, but the hard part is trying to get someone to back you on that loan. Living in this day and age, the market fluctuates faster than a geriatric's bowels. So backing someone's loan isn't necessarily the best thing to do at the moment without the risk of getting into a whole heap of shit (see what I did there?). Thus the prospects of heading off away from Finland once again started to drift away in the realms of fantasy. And that pissed me off. I had gone around to all my friends, telling them all that I was leaving and here comes this first iceberg to ruin my day. However, my first stroke of luck was finding my backer. I won't go into detail, but I am eternally grateful to that person.

Signing the loan agreement was hilarious too, because we had to go through all the possibilities of "what if" scenarios. Basically what if a shark decided to swim off with one of my legs or aliens attacked. In the end the only thing any insurance would cover would be something like this:

"...In case of massive radiation damage and/or war with unsuspecting enemies..."

I'm not kidding folks. The measure of "insurance" they give is a bit ridiculous. So we just cracking up that if one of us croaks, the other should off himself just to be sure. Meanwhile, I had another problem. Saving up money. So that meant getting a job. Again. As I mentioned earlier, I had been laid off four times in one year. So I decided to try my luck once again at the airport. Thankfully they were still hiring people and I was a shoe in. I walked into the bosses office, dressed like a bum, my hair all messed up and toting a full jihad beard. I guess I mumbled something about working there before as the boss stared at me with pitiful eyes and then shrugged before placing a contract in front of me to sign. Naturally I scribbled something profane an illiterate as my name and wondered home before realizing that holy shit, I have a job!

Two weeks later, I was once again working at the airport, waking up at unholy hours in the morning and serving customers with questionable intelligence and selling devices that were way above their heads. Specifically Iphones. Now let me tell you about Iphones...

Specifically these people...

Now, I have an Iphone, and sure I can be an asshole sometimes, but not an Iphone Asshole. These are a breed of people who have somehow evolved parallel to humans, yet by all mental capacities are very alien. Of course, the Iphone Asshole has different species. Let me demonstrate...

1. The "You have Iphone?" Asshole

These pricks find their meaning in life by demeaning yours by asking you meaningless questions. They are quiet and unobtrusive people as they mingle with normal humans, keeping out of sight, like predators readying an ambush. When they do find their pray (unfortunate sales people in the electronic department) they strike with their namesake followed by the usual "is it any good?", "Is it unlocked?" "how much?" "Why?" "Iphones suck!" Usually in that order.

These idiots have no concept of decency or time as they hound you with question they already know the answers to. They come in all shapes and sizes, but most speak with a funny dialect. Not any distinct accent of an nation, but some sort of pseudo-quasi-I'm way too smart for my own good type of dialect. They often ask their questions with an angry tone as if the very thought of buying an Iphone is reprehensible, yet they must have one lest their place in their social herd is forgotten. Yes, these numb-nuts really spend thirty minutes with you, telling you how lousy the phone is yet demand that you sell one to him so that he can say it sucks and not buy one. Avoid at all cost. 

2. The "I bought my Iphone in (enter country here) and it was WAAY much cheaper" Asshole

These guys are usually yuppies or douchebags who usually hang around in small groups of three or four. They tend to be the only one with an Iphone in the group and are either the alpha male or the wimpy guy that wants to hang out with the cool kids. In order to impress his pack, he constantly berates those of the electronics market with his savvy ways, by regailing them with how they used their wits to buy a cheap Iphone at another country and then pressing on the attack by telling them rather bluntly how much you suck. 

They seem confused at first, but do not be fooled by it, it is a ruse. They are true assholes and will attack you if they have the chance.

3. The "Anti Iphone" Asshole

These small, angry little depraved rodents of society find no other joy except in the sheer destruction of the concept of the Iphone and its users. They have a highly evolved sense of skewered irony, coupled with a strange ability to find exactly you. You can usually spot one from far away when their beady little eyes lock on the iphone that sits happily on your store shelf and then make a beeline for you as you mutter Oh shit... You have two options at this point, you can either run screaming, without looking back, perhaps tossing children in his way or find another customer to hound so that the Iphone Asshole has no choice but to stand still as if paused before he can attack you with his opinions on the helpless Iphone that is safely locked away in the store cabinet.

If you are unlucky enough to fall victim to these assholes, you can pretty much kiss you joyfully merry self-esteem goodbye. These Assholes are masters of condescension. They opinions are based on 100% internet fact, they are skilled professionals of the smart phone markets as they usually work menial slave labor jobs for Nokia or other telecom companies and they smell. Somehow this arrogant, pretentious and ignorant hipster-prick mixed with his awful funk, actually has an effect on you. Your mind cannot handle the streams of numbers and facts the demon keeps spewing forth from his mouth, since no one who looks or smells like that could ever have the metal capacity to know such debilitating knowledge. So he must be real. He has to tell the truth. YES, the IPHONE does suck! How could I be so wrong?! What? Join your cult? All I have to do is burn my Iphone on a stone altar during an August moon and dress like a moron? Yes, maaastaaah...

4. The "pure Iphone" Asshole

A rare breed and the most dangerous. They seem to be a hybrid of all the other Assholes mixed into one potent SUPER ASSHOLE. They begin with the usual "Do you have Iphone?" question. They then proceed to berate you with anti apple and Iphone statistics and claim how their old brick from the cold war still works and that is all he needs. Then as you think the conversation is over, he pulls out his Iphone. This is an older Iphone he bought when he still "believed" and then tells you how he bought it for cheap, followed by asking why they aren't all cheap? As your mind begins to spin from his incessant ramblings, he then mentions that it is now breaking down, so you offer to sell him the new Iphone 4 in a vain hope that perhaps you could save this poor soul as you still see a faint spark of life in his eyes. But as soon as you mention the new phone, his eyes glaze over and turn dark, like the glassy eyes of a shark. Then with a new found deep voice, he declares that he will NEVER buy a new iphone. Except for his wife and or kids. He may add that you are stupid for even asking him such a suddenly hurtful question and demands that you now show him the new Iphone. 

With tears welling up in your eyes, you open your cabinet and pass on the phone, perhaps whispering words of support and strength to the little frightened phone as the cold alien hands of the asshole grasp it. He proceeds to inspect it like a beast playing with its pray. Declaring victory, he howls out to his yuppie friends who flock to him like a pack of rabid seagulls. They bicker and fight over the phone, passing it along like the carcass of a dead fish declaring their dominance over it and then take turns in taking out their own phones and waving them defiantly in the Iphone's poor defenseless face. With a final grunt of satisfaction that they really are better people than you, he hands the now terrified and sobbing phone back to you. You look down, knowing that the poor Iphone will now live on with a broken sense of self worth and will most likely be unreliable and end up dying from a power overload. You sigh, for it is the only thing you can do and put the phone back, next to the other now eerily silent phones and turn around to find the Asshole and his pack of lunatics have disappeared, as if they were never there, like wraiths of a demonic mobile market world...

Then you have these guys... But I refuse to go there... I refuse.

Alright, so I went a little off topic there, sorry. But honestly folks, they were and in some regards are still an obstacle in my path to Australia. So there I am doing my hardest not to assault customers on a daily basis, saving up my cash when suddenly I find out that in order to study at Griffith, I had to do the TOEFL exam. It's an English exam. To prove I can speak it. I shrugged and thought, Meh, I can do that. Went to their website and saw how much it costs... 255€!!! What the hell?! And to make things worse, I even tried out their training exam. It consists of the most boring stuff you will ever read, listen to or write about. You literally listen to two people talking about their previous fiscal year in their company for fifteen minutes, then afterward you answer questions such as "Why did John say that the annual estimates of 1995 were at a peak of 8% when previously they were at 5%?" "What did David mean by his denouncements of audits to their tier 1 environmental partners?" 

An unfortunately common occurrence at an TOEFL exam

As a rule of thumb, I try to avoid anything that would potentially make my head explode, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and send them an email. After a hefty dialogue with four different administrations and eight people I had FINALLY managed to prove that I do in fact know how to speak, read and write English. There's that iceberg dodged. 

Which finally brings us to me selling all my stuff. Which I have yet to do. I got 48 days to sell everything and or get rid of everything. When you think about it, it's not such a big deal. But it is. You start looking at all your junk you've accumulated all your life and suddenly all that shit matters to you suddenly. I understand those creepy hoarding bastards on TV now. But alas, I can't take all that stuff with me, so I better sell and get rid of it. But it is an oddly liberating task, you feel cleansed, fresh, a new. 

So, finally here I am, once again getting ready to head off. This time for certain and no matter what icebergs head my way, I will break through them, like before. Because Australia is a kick ass country with friendly people and it is the new land of hope! Nothing can stop me now!

Australian border control

Shit...