Things I learned here that have nothing to do with my studies

Hey there folks!
Yeah, I know, I know... I've been real busy ok?! But I have not forgotten about you, my little minions!

So, for the past year, I've been living it up here. Spending my time studying by a beach, getting served by hot women and drinking Pina Coladas, while I enjoy the sunset. Yes....

My campus. Not too shabby.

A lot of you are probably thinking how my studies are going so far? Well, not too bad really. Completed shooting my first short film with 16mm film (Which is absolutely hell to work with, but worth it), did two other tv productions and even a small special effects Skit! How about that?

All good then, I hear you say. Well... Now that my 2nd year is about to kick in,  I'm going to reflect on things  I learned that have nothing AT ALL to do with my studies. Which seem to be more important for me to know than things like HyperFocal Distance and F-stops. So lets start with something light, hmh? How about...

1.APE RAPE

Every week last year, I had scrabble night with my other international friends. This was our vain attempt to unwind from the week with a few beers and lousy vocabulary, that usually ends up with uplifting words such as TIT, SHIT and BURRITO filling the board. Sure, we pretend to know esoteric words which we all secretly search through our phones for, when no one is looking.

"What the hell does OE mean?"

"You idiot, its the Gaelic word for grandchild." 

"...Oh yeah... Of course, I knew that..."

We then proceed to drink more and digest the weekly proceedings. This includes us teaching each other what we learned in class that week. My futile attempts to teach my buddies the intricacies of film production, lenses, film sizes, etc, gets over shadowed by bad math skill from an accounting student as he tries to calculate our current score and the psychological musings of a deranged lecturer of criminal psychology. Thus, from this melting pot of intellectual might, ape rape is a very common subject.

All your ape are belong to us!

I have recently discovered that many species of ape have actually evolved rapist sub species that secretly infiltrate tribes, kill the alpha male, rape the women and then mutate into a hulking monstrosity that is now their new pimp daddy.

Bitch bedda' haf muh honey!

The real interesting bit is the fact that they're all scrawny and lanky in the beginning. Creepy, lonely geeks in need of attention and spending way too much time on their twig and spit built xboxes. Like the McLovin of the monkeys, or a McMonkey if you will. They of course pose no threat to the douchy alpha male who is too busy getting groomed by his lecherous harem. Thus, McMonkey slips into the alpha males tent one night and strangles, bashes and beats the ever loving shit out of the Alpha male, before chucking him down into the foliage below where an obviously hungry pack of tigers lie in wait. Most likely, due to a previous agreement made by McMonkey (citation needed).

"I said the fat one! No... Not him, the- What the hell are you doing up there?!"

Now, as the sole male among a thousand females, he is free to fulfil every despicably primal fantasy his little simian heart desires. Dressing them up in tight anime outfits, forcing them to play xbox or just plain ol' having his way with them. But the similarities to creepy sociopathic geeks does not end there! No! After they successfully raped every single female, they level up! I'm not kidding folks, these monkey grow in size and bulk until they themselves are the new Alpha males! 

Why do I need to know this? I dunno, but it's in there now, so might as well beware of it.

2. ACCENTS CAUSE CONFUSION

Now, being the globally independent and accepting individual that I am, I have to admit that my accent IS a bit of a conundrum. My mother is English (from Manchester no less) and my dad is Finnish. And I have a pseudo-American accent. Yeah... I don't get it either. But it's something I grew up to accept, blaming everything from TV to my grade school for it. But back at home, it wasn't really an issue, because everyone in Finland speaks with a funny accent. It's what makes us "Special". 

But over here... My god, people almost get upset with me when they can't place where I'm from. Some try to be really smart ass and automatically assume that I'm from somewhere and start talking about it, to my confusion. Then when I state I'm from Finland, they look suprised at first. Then a evil cloud grows over their head as their brains try to locate this so called fairy land of "Finland". Finally they give up and upright ignore me. But I guess it would be best explained with the following progression chart:

This happens to me everyday at work. Either I'm a American Canuck with Irish parents, or I'm from Soviet Russia. So I've learned to compensate. I just say, "Da."

3. It's not just the spiders and snakes that want to kill you...

Now, everyone knows about the spiders, snakes, crocodiles and sharks that infest this land and sea. Ready and hiding in wait for that one moment to attack you and drag you away to consume you alive. Well that's not all true...

You can add birds to that list. Specifically Plovers...

They want you dead and they know

where you live!

See those spines on the wings? Yeah, I know right, spines, but take a good look at them. They're poisonous. And these birds know it. I know it... Let me explain. 

We actually had a couple nest in our backyard for a while and as an ignorant Finn, I was amazed at the pretty birdies that wanted to share their lives with us. So I went out to greet our new tenants and then they began making their noise. I wasn't deterred, curious about our new friends I inched ever closer to have a good look. Then they attacked me... I barely got away with my life as they swooped the hell out of me. After that, I was told that, "Them thar birds ya see, them be poisonous! They like to swoop down and attack tha face with them little spines... Gouge out the eyes... Old mate o' mine lost his left one like that!" 

Thus followed a harrowing two weeks of pure avian horror, through which I learned a valuable lesson... Don't mess with the birds in Oz. They are poisonous and want to eat your eyeballs.

4."One does not simply walk in Australia!"

Now I know that in the US, driving your car, as opposed to walking would be a viable if not necessary option to get around. There are no side-walks over there, roving bands of muggers, rapists and republicans wander the streets in search of blood, thus your Hummer is your only mode of protection. I get it. I don't get it over here.

People don't really walk far here. They have cars for everything. They drive to go to a damn store that is only 100m away. Sure public transportation isn't quite up to par as our "Yuuu-roh-pean" counterparts, but to get shit from people about deciding to NOT get a car? Really?! 

Then I'm told about the floods and the long distances and also the fact that them fancy ass buses don't really get to those hard to reach places. I start to understand, then I see on the news that the countless cars have washed away due to floods, because they thought they could risk it. So I'm back to thinking that my own two feet might be the best option around if shit goes down. But people keep on insisting that I get a car, or something bad could happen. Like, what if I have to get somewhere, really fast? Or what if I need to go some place else? Seriously, these are some of the challenging questions I get. 

But in all honesty, this place is still awesome. So what if they don't know where I'm from or think that I need a car to protect me from winged plover demons? At least I won't get raped by monkeys. 

Dedicated to my buddies Sven and Brandon, may they see that their home countries are far less eventful than the crazy land of Down Under! ;)

See you in the slipstream. 

Well... Here I am!

Yes... really.

Well... here I am! As I'm writing this, it is 9:12 am in Brisbane. Overcast, a good respite from the unforgiving sun. About 27 degrees outside with 10 million degrees of humidity. Here, even the water sweats. But it is a good thing. I'm sitting down on the sofa, watching the Superbowl, live. In the morning. How about that. Outside, the crickets are buzzing like mad and the parrots are singing away. And not just any little parrots. 

This type of parrot! 

So... How do I feel? Overwhelmed. Surprised. Exhilarated. Exhausted. Happy. I've only been here for a few days now. But this place is so amazing, it's almost ridiculous. Almost everything is different. I'm serious here, folks. This place is different. But in so many good ways that it's almost intimidating. Sure, my buddy kept on telling me that i shouldn't be so Finnish, but being here, I never knew how Finnish I was. Everyone is so friendly, so open, that I feel almost shocked. Everyone smiles and greets when I go out for a morning or evening walk with the dogs. People sitting on the porch, or watching telly, having a jolly old time with the family, playing games and laughing. Music playing lightly in the air. This is just a normal day. Never, would you see any of the like in Finland, except on Vappu when everyone is so shitfaced that they really don't care anymore. Customer service is wonderful, or in the least as it should be. Helpful, attentive, friendly. Some of you might be thinking, yeah, but they're just being polite, they aren't REALLY friendly. But trust me, folks, they are friendly. 

The wildlife is also friendly!

You can also find KFC, Starbucks, Domino's Pizza and Burger King. Except Burger King isn't called Burger King. It's called Hungry Jack's. But it's Burger King. Perhaps it's some local thing. Nice butcher shops with all the meat one could ever hope to have. Even butchers who specialize in Kobe beef! You got proper sausages, some of the best ham I've ever tasted, lamb, steaks, Barramundi... Pretty much everything is specialized and mostly local. They are very adamant about that here. Local produce. Which is great. We went to a local farmer's market yesterday to see some of the huge fruits that were on sale. Great stuff. Huge pineapples, bananas, avocados, dragon fruit. All grown locally. This is stuff I usually bought imported in Finland. The local honey here is also VERY nice. And they have some funny chili sauces too with such colorful names like, Aussie Backburner, Smack my Arse and call me Cindy, Calypso Tropical Butt Burner, Bhut Jolokia Rectum Wrecker, Aussie Ring Stinger. Yep, that kind of stuff. So the food here is pretty good.

It's still going to be a week till university starts, so I got time to look around and get a lay of the place. Gotta have learn how to use the public transport system and how to get around on the cheap. I was told to get a Bush Bike (normal bicycle) to get to uni easily. Have to see. But most importantly I have to go around and start looking for a part time job soon. I'm all the time thinking about a full time job, which is kinda daunting, but then remember its only part time. So, it should be ok. Right now, aiming at EB games or Games Workshop, since I've worked for them before and I'm familiar with their products. Hope for the best.

 But I guess you all want to know how my travel here went? Well, let me tell you, it was a snap. But just very long. And perhaps, even a bit exciting!

Ok... Maybe not THIS exciting.

I took off from Helsinki/Vantaa at 1600. the flight to London was fine. The food was alright. Frozen meatballs and potato salad. But it was warm. Landing in Heathrow, I had to take a bus to the Terminal 4. It was a ways away, but got there easy enough. Grabbed myself a Coffee (lousy) and a muffin (twas alright) and headed to my gate. Then I boarded the Etihad flight to Abu Dhabi. Now that was a sweet flight. Met some nice people and had a blast watching movies and playing with all the tech that was at my power. You could see your GPS position on the map, with how long the flight still lasts and a choice between front mounted cannons cameras and bottom mounted cameras. Landing at Abu Dhabi, gave me my first hit of a HOT climate. Abu Dhabi was barren, but beautiful. I could see outside the window how constructed it was. They are really building land. Quite an achievement. The airport was alright as well. I hung out with two guys also heading out to Brisbane and finally we got on our final flight, with a stop at Singapore.

Now, Etihad is a REALLY good airline. I'm REALLY happy with it. Great service, greater food. Actually, LOTS of food, drinks every 5 minutes. They even bless the plane before every take off. You have no idea how comforting that is for someone like me who really doesn't like flying too much. But Etihad made it easy, even fun. the only thing that was a bit uncomfortable was how cold it was. At some points it was freezing. Bearable, but not really easy to sleep in.

Landing at singapore was cool. Got to see out the window at all the pretty lights. Finally as the plane came to a stop and everyone was happy to be on the ground for a while, then they said this; "Welcome to Singapore, the jewel of Asia. We hope you enjoy your stay, and remember... If you are carrying any illicit drugs, you will be served a mandatory death sentence. Have a nice day!"

"Have fun! Shop, party, celebrate. Chew gum... WE KILL YOU!"

Yeah... I was all happy until the death threat. After that, I was just happy to leave. Mind you, Singapore seemed like a lovely place (the five minutes I was there) but, I don't take kindly to death threats, even when they don't pertain to me. So we quickly got back on board the plane after they swiped it for security reasons. Then we had a delay of about an hour when some dude in the flight seemed to be dying and had to be taken off the flight along with his baggage. Then we flew to Brisbane. The flight was cold. so cold in fact that it ended up with me and the person next to me sharing body heat. 

Landing in Brisbane was a welcome relief. All my baggage arrived and going through customs was easy. I was a bit concerned with the customs document you had to fill with the strict quarantine rules. So I checked that I needed to declare my golf clubs, just to be sure. They smiled, checked quickly, everything was fine and a blood hound came over and sniffed my bags for food and stuff. Everyone was nice and polite and helpful. Unlike going into the US where police hold on to their guns and intimidate you with fear. Hell even in Singapore they smiled (Though that made even more disconcerting). After that. I had arrived. 31 hours. The air was hot. The sun was shining and my buddy was waiting for me. 

Right away, we went over to my friends place. I changed clothes and we headed off to Surfer's Paradise. That place is awesome. Like Miami and Vegas. Colorful and beautiful. Then we headed home for beer and bbq. The next day we went to Australia Zoo and I got to finally see the local wildlife. Koalas, Crocs, Tasmanian Devils, kangaroos. Lovely animals. Although Koalas smell funky. Not a bad smell. But kinda funky, like old menthol. Cute little buggers tho. But I gotta say, it was the kangaroos that really got me. That was when I knew I was in Australia. There was eight of them around me, all friendly, trying to eat my food. And they weren't dumb. They were smart! I think they can even open doors...

They surround you first, playing it friendly. Then they begin to eat you...

After the zoo, we came back, had more beer and made hamburgers on the bbq and then I passed out on the sofa. It's still hot, but I guess I'll get used to it. Now I have this week to look around and get used to it before I begin my new routine here in my new home of Brisbane. I'm really excited to begin this blog in earnest now. My skype will always be open during the day. So check your time zones and feel free to call. See you all in the slipstream! 

The long goodbye...

Hey there folks. To start off, I would like to warn you all, that as I am writing this, I am suffering from one massively apocalyptic hangover from my going away party. Holy crap, people! That party was insane and I would like to deeply thank all those people who could make it! It really meant a lot to me. But anyway, to the meat of the matter. The goodbyes... I hate this part. Sure, it's great heading off to the other side of the planet, to a far off and mysterious land often spoken with hushed tones and with an air of fantasy. "Oh that place with koala bears and kangaroos... Yeah right! No such place exists man! Dry Land's a myth!"

But it really is such a long way from here... I'm used to the simple toils of Finnish life. The hardships of its winters, the beauty of its summers and women. The people, even though they can be monotonous bastards sometimes. It was familiar, it was HOME. The green trees. The blue skies. The fresh crisp smell of snow in the air. The soft warm glow of the summer sunset. The beer. Oh god, the beer. I loved it here. I was happy, I didn't want to go anywhere.

Yet, it all has to be left behind. After that one fateful day, when I was laid off from work and I stood there, a wreck in my own toils, reluctant to make any change in my life. When suddenly out of nowhere I thought popped in my head. Australia. See, a friend of mine had already been there and had pretty much kept on pestering me to move over. Calling me to greater adventures that laid in wait. I of course said that I would think about it, but obviously trying my best to keep my ass safe in Finland. But there I was. Without a job and pissed off out of my mind as Australia popped into my head. Not five minutes later, I called an education office and applied to Griffith university. The rest as they say is history. 

But now, after all my troubles to try and make it to Australia, I have finally made it to the final days before my departure. With the constant support of my family and friends, the incessant words of encouragement, I burst through the obstacles that were placed in front of me, trying to hold me off from going to Australia. Like a quest in on itself, my friends, my allies, have helped me get there. And now, it seems to be the dreaded time where I have to leave you all behind and go it alone. I know some of you will join me in later adventures in the future, but it seems like for the first time in my life, I will be going it alone. that scares me as much as it excites me. This is basically the part in the Lord of the Rings where Frodo and Sam are on the edge of the Shire, just about to step into unknown territory. I'm right there. Ready.

To conquer Australia. To go to the other side of the planet and see this "fabled" land for myself. To learn from it, to best its challenges and return a better person. To bring back something from it. To grow. Sure, I may be over dramatizing the whole affair, but hell. This is how I feel. I have no idea what is waiting for me over there. What exotic people I will meet and what kind of trouble I will get into. All I know is, that I will try and keep you all posted as much as possible with my blog.

So we come to the part I have been dreading. The part I've been meandering around. The goodbyes. Now thankfully due to Facebook and the Internet, goodbyes these days aren't as final as they used to be. But still, I will no longer be hanging out with many of you, so I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am honored and constantly in awe to have such friends and family as I do... So... Good...

You know what? 

I wont say goodbye. Because I AM coming back. You will all see me online and talk to me and get messages and so on and so forth. Some of you will come and visit and of course I will make the long pilgrimage back home at some point. So fuck goodbyes. They're over rated anyway. 

I'll be seeing you around. ;)

Preparing for D-Day...

Hey there folks! As D-Day approaches, I have decided to post my invasion plans online for all of you to laugh over. So lets get started!

1. Sell all my crap

This is harder than it seems, but still an essential component of my invasion plans! It also is a good way to make some extra cash for my war funds, so please if you still feel like helping out then check through my list online and donate to a good cause!

2. Get a lot of shit paper work done

This is really boring stuff, They (The student visa guys) want me to give all my family details and history to make sure none of us would accidentally find ourselves over there working for pennies or something. There was the whole thing with me trying to prove that I can speak English, but it wasn't that big of a problem anymore when I "convinced" them that I actually spoke English. Surprisingly they haven't asked for my medical records yet, but I guess it's because Australia is where monsters are born. So nature will most likely either assimilate me into the food chain or just dispose of me in some sort of economical fashion before I can spread any unwanted diseases.

3. Relax

Yeah, right...

4. D-Day, the invasion begins!

Finally... The day of days. My departure! I leave Finland on 3.2.11 arriving at London three hours later. I'll make my way through London Heathrow, bestowing my blessings upon everyone and then take my next flight to Abu Dhabi, the supposed New York of the Middle East. From there, it is a direct flight to Brisbane with a technical stop over to refuel at Singapore, before we continue to Brisbane. Now, the airline I'll be using is Etihad.

 

Yes, we fly on the cheap 'cause... You know, fuck rich people.

"Eti-whaa?" I hear you ask, because that's what I thought first as well. When the lady who was booking my flights mentioned the airline, images of sheep and chickens flying freight with its windows open filled my head. Thankfully I was wrong. Etihad is an United Arab Emirates airline that is renowned around the world for its first class service and excellent everything! Three course meals with wine, 600+ hours of entertainment, Internet, laptop recharging, frikkin mood lighting! MOOD LIGHTING! And all this is in Economy! I'm more exited to jump on that plane then going to Brisbane!

 If this is economy...

I suppose this is First Class... Waaait... Is that a stripper pole?!

5. Celebration!

I will hopefully finally make it to Brisbane where I will meet my contacts and begin preparing for the liberation of its people. I will party, relax, take pictures of koala bears while I sip Pina Coladas and riding kangaroos.

Aaaaw... :(

The Blog is back... Game on!

Long time no see folks! Yes, it is true, it is back! The blog that will chronicle my adventures down under in the far away lands known as Australia! Why did the blog stop for a while, you ask? well, long story short, I wasn't still 100% sure if was even going or not, but I am happy to tell you that it is truly happening. I am going! So, just to recap, I'm heading over to Brisbane to study at Griffith University for three years. Orientation begins on February 18th 2011. Doing a bachelor of arts degree, sipping colorful drinks and petting koalas.

This is supposedly bad weather over there. Look at those miserable bastards...

I have to tell you though, it's been really tough to get this far in my plans for global domination and going to Australia. There was the issue with getting the funding, I had to get an another job, crazy Iphone people, attempting to prove to the University that yes, I can speak English and then there's selling all my stuff. Before, getting into all of this, I obviously believed Hah, I do what I want and thus it is easy... How wrong was I...

Hubris

 Alright, my escapades of the past six months haven't quite equaled the sinking of the Titanic, but I have to admit that there were a few icebergs. First off the whole funding issue. Sure, it was a simple matter of getting a loan, but the hard part is trying to get someone to back you on that loan. Living in this day and age, the market fluctuates faster than a geriatric's bowels. So backing someone's loan isn't necessarily the best thing to do at the moment without the risk of getting into a whole heap of shit (see what I did there?). Thus the prospects of heading off away from Finland once again started to drift away in the realms of fantasy. And that pissed me off. I had gone around to all my friends, telling them all that I was leaving and here comes this first iceberg to ruin my day. However, my first stroke of luck was finding my backer. I won't go into detail, but I am eternally grateful to that person.

Signing the loan agreement was hilarious too, because we had to go through all the possibilities of "what if" scenarios. Basically what if a shark decided to swim off with one of my legs or aliens attacked. In the end the only thing any insurance would cover would be something like this:

"...In case of massive radiation damage and/or war with unsuspecting enemies..."

I'm not kidding folks. The measure of "insurance" they give is a bit ridiculous. So we just cracking up that if one of us croaks, the other should off himself just to be sure. Meanwhile, I had another problem. Saving up money. So that meant getting a job. Again. As I mentioned earlier, I had been laid off four times in one year. So I decided to try my luck once again at the airport. Thankfully they were still hiring people and I was a shoe in. I walked into the bosses office, dressed like a bum, my hair all messed up and toting a full jihad beard. I guess I mumbled something about working there before as the boss stared at me with pitiful eyes and then shrugged before placing a contract in front of me to sign. Naturally I scribbled something profane an illiterate as my name and wondered home before realizing that holy shit, I have a job!

Two weeks later, I was once again working at the airport, waking up at unholy hours in the morning and serving customers with questionable intelligence and selling devices that were way above their heads. Specifically Iphones. Now let me tell you about Iphones...

Specifically these people...

Now, I have an Iphone, and sure I can be an asshole sometimes, but not an Iphone Asshole. These are a breed of people who have somehow evolved parallel to humans, yet by all mental capacities are very alien. Of course, the Iphone Asshole has different species. Let me demonstrate...

1. The "You have Iphone?" Asshole

These pricks find their meaning in life by demeaning yours by asking you meaningless questions. They are quiet and unobtrusive people as they mingle with normal humans, keeping out of sight, like predators readying an ambush. When they do find their pray (unfortunate sales people in the electronic department) they strike with their namesake followed by the usual "is it any good?", "Is it unlocked?" "how much?" "Why?" "Iphones suck!" Usually in that order.

These idiots have no concept of decency or time as they hound you with question they already know the answers to. They come in all shapes and sizes, but most speak with a funny dialect. Not any distinct accent of an nation, but some sort of pseudo-quasi-I'm way too smart for my own good type of dialect. They often ask their questions with an angry tone as if the very thought of buying an Iphone is reprehensible, yet they must have one lest their place in their social herd is forgotten. Yes, these numb-nuts really spend thirty minutes with you, telling you how lousy the phone is yet demand that you sell one to him so that he can say it sucks and not buy one. Avoid at all cost. 

2. The "I bought my Iphone in (enter country here) and it was WAAY much cheaper" Asshole

These guys are usually yuppies or douchebags who usually hang around in small groups of three or four. They tend to be the only one with an Iphone in the group and are either the alpha male or the wimpy guy that wants to hang out with the cool kids. In order to impress his pack, he constantly berates those of the electronics market with his savvy ways, by regailing them with how they used their wits to buy a cheap Iphone at another country and then pressing on the attack by telling them rather bluntly how much you suck. 

They seem confused at first, but do not be fooled by it, it is a ruse. They are true assholes and will attack you if they have the chance.

3. The "Anti Iphone" Asshole

These small, angry little depraved rodents of society find no other joy except in the sheer destruction of the concept of the Iphone and its users. They have a highly evolved sense of skewered irony, coupled with a strange ability to find exactly you. You can usually spot one from far away when their beady little eyes lock on the iphone that sits happily on your store shelf and then make a beeline for you as you mutter Oh shit... You have two options at this point, you can either run screaming, without looking back, perhaps tossing children in his way or find another customer to hound so that the Iphone Asshole has no choice but to stand still as if paused before he can attack you with his opinions on the helpless Iphone that is safely locked away in the store cabinet.

If you are unlucky enough to fall victim to these assholes, you can pretty much kiss you joyfully merry self-esteem goodbye. These Assholes are masters of condescension. They opinions are based on 100% internet fact, they are skilled professionals of the smart phone markets as they usually work menial slave labor jobs for Nokia or other telecom companies and they smell. Somehow this arrogant, pretentious and ignorant hipster-prick mixed with his awful funk, actually has an effect on you. Your mind cannot handle the streams of numbers and facts the demon keeps spewing forth from his mouth, since no one who looks or smells like that could ever have the metal capacity to know such debilitating knowledge. So he must be real. He has to tell the truth. YES, the IPHONE does suck! How could I be so wrong?! What? Join your cult? All I have to do is burn my Iphone on a stone altar during an August moon and dress like a moron? Yes, maaastaaah...

4. The "pure Iphone" Asshole

A rare breed and the most dangerous. They seem to be a hybrid of all the other Assholes mixed into one potent SUPER ASSHOLE. They begin with the usual "Do you have Iphone?" question. They then proceed to berate you with anti apple and Iphone statistics and claim how their old brick from the cold war still works and that is all he needs. Then as you think the conversation is over, he pulls out his Iphone. This is an older Iphone he bought when he still "believed" and then tells you how he bought it for cheap, followed by asking why they aren't all cheap? As your mind begins to spin from his incessant ramblings, he then mentions that it is now breaking down, so you offer to sell him the new Iphone 4 in a vain hope that perhaps you could save this poor soul as you still see a faint spark of life in his eyes. But as soon as you mention the new phone, his eyes glaze over and turn dark, like the glassy eyes of a shark. Then with a new found deep voice, he declares that he will NEVER buy a new iphone. Except for his wife and or kids. He may add that you are stupid for even asking him such a suddenly hurtful question and demands that you now show him the new Iphone. 

With tears welling up in your eyes, you open your cabinet and pass on the phone, perhaps whispering words of support and strength to the little frightened phone as the cold alien hands of the asshole grasp it. He proceeds to inspect it like a beast playing with its pray. Declaring victory, he howls out to his yuppie friends who flock to him like a pack of rabid seagulls. They bicker and fight over the phone, passing it along like the carcass of a dead fish declaring their dominance over it and then take turns in taking out their own phones and waving them defiantly in the Iphone's poor defenseless face. With a final grunt of satisfaction that they really are better people than you, he hands the now terrified and sobbing phone back to you. You look down, knowing that the poor Iphone will now live on with a broken sense of self worth and will most likely be unreliable and end up dying from a power overload. You sigh, for it is the only thing you can do and put the phone back, next to the other now eerily silent phones and turn around to find the Asshole and his pack of lunatics have disappeared, as if they were never there, like wraiths of a demonic mobile market world...

Then you have these guys... But I refuse to go there... I refuse.

Alright, so I went a little off topic there, sorry. But honestly folks, they were and in some regards are still an obstacle in my path to Australia. So there I am doing my hardest not to assault customers on a daily basis, saving up my cash when suddenly I find out that in order to study at Griffith, I had to do the TOEFL exam. It's an English exam. To prove I can speak it. I shrugged and thought, Meh, I can do that. Went to their website and saw how much it costs... 255€!!! What the hell?! And to make things worse, I even tried out their training exam. It consists of the most boring stuff you will ever read, listen to or write about. You literally listen to two people talking about their previous fiscal year in their company for fifteen minutes, then afterward you answer questions such as "Why did John say that the annual estimates of 1995 were at a peak of 8% when previously they were at 5%?" "What did David mean by his denouncements of audits to their tier 1 environmental partners?" 

An unfortunately common occurrence at an TOEFL exam

As a rule of thumb, I try to avoid anything that would potentially make my head explode, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and send them an email. After a hefty dialogue with four different administrations and eight people I had FINALLY managed to prove that I do in fact know how to speak, read and write English. There's that iceberg dodged. 

Which finally brings us to me selling all my stuff. Which I have yet to do. I got 48 days to sell everything and or get rid of everything. When you think about it, it's not such a big deal. But it is. You start looking at all your junk you've accumulated all your life and suddenly all that shit matters to you suddenly. I understand those creepy hoarding bastards on TV now. But alas, I can't take all that stuff with me, so I better sell and get rid of it. But it is an oddly liberating task, you feel cleansed, fresh, a new. 

So, finally here I am, once again getting ready to head off. This time for certain and no matter what icebergs head my way, I will break through them, like before. Because Australia is a kick ass country with friendly people and it is the new land of hope! Nothing can stop me now!

Australian border control

Shit...

Finland! why its the best frikkin country in the world!

Hey there folks!

As I'm preparing for my great adventure down under, I thought it would be time to say something about my homeland. This is more of an effort to shine a brighter light on this wonderful country known as Finland, because this IS a wonderful country! We got great history, heroes, language, music and by god, we got sisu! What is sisu? It's what we are, who we are. Its guts! Our pride! Perkele!

Yes... Finland is in my heart.

Finland as all of you know is situated far up north in the frozen wastes of the Scandinavian outback. Crammed between Sweden and the great bear known as Russia, we constantly stay vigilant as we fight off the hordes of polar bears thrown our way. But this is of course the least of our worries as we still struggle to survive in near absolute zero temperatures that freeze trams to their tracks, blow up water pipes and collapse buildings.

But this didn't stop our first ancestors coming over and settling down in the forests. I mean you got to have huge set of balls to up and go from sunnier climates and come up here to live. Its like living in the south was to easy and they came here for a challenge. Finns were built for extreme temperatures! The weather outside reaches minus 40 degrees celsius and what do we do? Hell, we jump in the sauna with scorching heat up to 90 degrees celsius, THEN we jump out into the cold and roll in the snow. Or we jump into the frozen sea. One extreme the next. That's how Finnish people relax.

They say it is healthy for you. Until you die from it of course...

Our history is also pretty coloured. Mostly filled with war. Suffice it to say that before the Swedes invaded, we were a happy forest people. Like trolls. Then when the pristine and effeminate Swedish conquest party first landed on our shores we as a people were rather astonished. The nobles Swedish kings of 1249 were nodding their heads approvingly at the vast lumber at their disposal, picking up small pebbles and muttering "Ja, mycket bra!". This was the land for them. Only to suddenly find hordes of unwieldly naked men screaming at the top of their lungs profanities that would make even Satan blush. Not to mention toting really large weapons. The Swedes would of course beat a hasty retreat and later declare Finland a part of their empire from the safety of their own shores.

"Perkele!!!"

Later when the Swedes decided to go on a war binge down in Europe during the thirty years war (1618-1648), they suddenly remembered "Hey, those crazy bastards in that foresty country... We could use them!" "Yeah!" the other would say, "And stick them on horses!"  Thus the Hakkapeliitta calvalry was born, the baddest bunch of sons of bitches in the northern hemisphere. Why were they called the Hakkapeliitta? Well, as they did with the Swedes minus the nakedness, they shouted profanities in Finnish. One of them being a more motivating "Hakkaa päälle Suomen Poika!" which translates roughly to "Cut them down Finnish boy!" But as you can assume, the French who saw the horse riding lunatics screaming gibberish didn't really understand what they said. So the closest thing to call them was Hakkapeliitta.

 The Hakkapeliitta. We put the "laugh" in Slaughter!

But time went on and the ownership of Finland went to Russia after another brief war. I often wonder what the first thing to run through the Tzar's mind was when he saw the rabid hordes of uneducated brutes. Whatever it was, he quickly forced education upon them and soon we could read and write, thus adding rather rude graffiti to our repertoire of dastardly antics. However we soon grew tired of Russia and decided to go solo in 1917. There was a rather morbid civil war that really has nothing remotely funny to write about and then came world war 2. And we rocked world war 2. Sure, we were "defeated" or  we "capitulated" but historians to this day say that the Finnish defence against Russia in ww2 is only equaled by the brave defence of the spartans against Persia at the battle of Thermopylae back in 480 b.c.

We bloody stood our ground! 200,000, brave beyond lunacy, Finns stood against ten zillion Russians and duked it out for the better part of the war. Stories are abound of how Finnish men would be shot down, only to get up angrier and lay waste to entire divisions of troopers! Think of an army of Bruce Willises... Such heroes like Rokka are pure legend, then there are the real dudes. Simo Häyhä, sniper. Took down over 500 russians. With open sights. And he was a modest fellow too. So tallies could be higher. The Russians aptly called him the White Death. Then there's Lauri Törni. Americans call him Larry Thorne. Why? Well, this psycho was so into war that he promptly escaped Finland for a crime he didn't commit (in a friggin submanrine no less) to the American Military. He was a one man A-Team. For real. He is the founding father of the Green Beret special forces branch! I could write a whole article on this guy! But trust me, he was a walking war machine. He dissapered during the Vietnam War and was then labled a war hero and has a memorial in the States. They even made a movie with John fucking Wayne as Larry Thorne!

"

"Missä ne on? Mä tapan ne!" 

But enough about war, I could go on for days about our pure awesomeness in that field of expertise. Lets talk about something even more exiting! The Finnish language! The 5th hardest language in the world to learn and probably the single most incoherent yet wonderfully straightforward language in the world. The structure of Finnish is a marvel to behold, with rules and tangents that would put quantum physics to shame. Here, check this out;

"The morphosyntactic alignment is nominative-accusative; but there are two object cases: accusative and partitive. The contrast between the two is telic, where the accusative case denotes actions completed as intended (Ammuin hirven "I shot (killed) the elk"), and the partitive case denotes incomplete actions (Ammuin hirveä "I shot (at) the elk"). Often this is confused with perfectivity, but the only element of perfectivity that exists in Finnish is that there are some perfective verbs. Transitivity is distinguished by different verbs for transitive and intransitive, e.g. ratkaista "to solve something" vs. ratketa "to solve by itself". There are several frequentative and momentane verb categories." etc...

  "I don't understand! bllluuurghh..."

 That ain't all folks! Did you know that Finnish has magical properties too? Tolkien knew this and based the Elven Language on it. Though Orcish is more akin to it. But seriously, Finnish touts the longest palindrome in the world! Saippuakivikauppias (Soap stone seller). Yes, we are the proud owners of the longest word you can say backwards being the same word!! but wait theres more! We also can have entire conversations with the use of only 2 letters! BEHOLD!

"Kokoo koko kokko." "Construct the whole bonfire."

"Koko kokkoko?" "The whole bonifre?"

"koko kokko." "The whole bonfire."

YET! The Finnish language is one of the most, if not the most beautifully discriptive languages in the world. I can't really describe it to foreigners, but I love to read in Finnish. I've heard many foreigners say that Finnish sounds like two cavemen trying to communicate or that we just seem to swear alot since the letter R is rather predominant in the language. Yeah sure, Finnish is monotonous, but its all about the words we use. Depending on the words we use, we convey how we feel. Thats why reading it is so great. The Finnish written language is a whole different beast all together! Think of it like Shakesperean English and you have an idea. And its an honest language. We say what we mean and don't really have many shallow words. Most likely due to the fact that if you're trying to be crafty with your words while it's minus 40 outside, you might freeze to death before you get your point across. 

 Most of Finnish communication out in the cold consists of stares and intent...

That leads us to our culture. Boy... Where to start... Well how about our cultural heritage, an opus known as the Kalevala. It basically reads like someting out of the Lord of the Rings (point in fact Tolkien took alot of influence off of it). You got this old decrepit wizard dude named Väinämöinen, something like Gandalf, but who is pritty much an douchebag. He goes around being an asshole, even getting into a fight with Joukahainen who he promptly begins to drown in a bog. Pleeing for his life, Joukahainen offers his sister to Väinämöinen. Väinämöinen, who takes a liking to young girls, accepts. When the poor girl finds out, she drowns herself.

Gandalf also liked Hobbits. Hmmm, connection?

Not really peturbed by this, he goes off to many a merry adventure full of deceit, monsters and evil witch ladies of the north that turn into harpies and finally rowing off into the sunset as Jesus is born. Cool stuff. They even made a rather lousy kung-fu movie about it if you feel like watching the rape of the very foundation of Finnish epics.

Apart from the utter lack of taste we have in this country, we are in fact a country of champions! We tend to dominiate some of the most excentric sports known to man. Fastest gun in the west? Arvo Ojala. He makes his living teaching actors how its done in the old west. Where are the Air guitar world championships held? World Wife Carrying championships? All Finland. We even won the Eurovision with a frikkin monster band! 

The apex of Finnish musical might!

That leaves us with the final question. What gives us all these magical powers? Sisu! Thats what! As I mentioned before, it is the sheer tenacity of our force of will that keeps us going. The power to turn our soldiers into living zombies of hate while the enemy impontently empty their guns at them (Though some theorists believe that this phenomenon in ww2 was due the shitload of heroine that was distributed amongst the ranks). With sisu, anything can be accomplished. And with this sisu I wll end this article before I decide to give up my plans to leave to Australia and stay here... 

See you kids in the Slipstream.

P.S This post is NOT supposed to be historically correct. so don't use it in your homework or you'll go blind.

Plan B!

So what is Plan B... Is it a bomb? My attempt to take over the world with cybernetically augmented mutant killer death shrimp of doom? Attack from behind?

 

I can't study eh? I'll show you! I'll show you all!!!

No folks, nothing as dramatic as that. Though I have to admit that a part of me wishes to have the psychopathic genious level of skill in order to grow some death shrimp of doom. Though I get my kicks from playing Universe Sandbox.Who wants to trash the planet when you can ruin the entire universe? I've been having a hell of a ball shooting an arsenal of black holes at the Milky Way and laughing maniacally as the galaxy is torn to shreds! Hell, I even managed to accidentally jostle the orbit of the sun with a rogue star and have mercury fling off into the blackness, saturn explode and have the Earth burn to a crisp as it hurtled towards the center of the universe. Sweeet.

  

Wheeee!!!

Ok, I got off topic there folks... But seriously, my plan B is this. Yep, a working holiday. Twelve months around Australia working any kind of job I can imagine and seeing the country for what it is. I could go gather peaches, oranges, bananas (singing Harry Belafonte ofcourse), grapes, taking care of koalas, feeding kangaroos, capturing crocs and petting wombats! Ok, theres also bartending, sales and all the other jobs normal cities have to offer. But why stick with the normal stuff? Why the hell go all the way to Australia if all you want to do is get stuck in a bloody office? It's like... It's like going to Australia and getting stuck in the office! Hell, you want to see the wildlife, even if it DOES want to eat you. You want to touch the wild life, smell the air, be free of the rat race that is called living here in Finland. 

  

"Nah worries mate! It's a safe job!"

 Sure, I know lots of people who go off to far flung locations so they could sit their asses on the same beach they sat their asses on last year in a different country. Staying in that sterile hotel, taking that picture with the monkey, eating the same cheeseburger with a mai thai. Yeah... Not for me. If I'm paying money to go to a country I'm bloody well going to see it! not just the tourist traps, though I do visit them for historical reason, I want to see the REAL thing. In Norway I went to the west and north. Absolutely nothing there. Except for the most beautiful scenery you will ever wish or hope to see. Odd little fishing villages with friendly folk who look at you oddly as if you were some strange shaped piece of driftwood that just washed up on shore. It's like coming to Finland and seeing... Uuhm... Kouvola.

  

The REAL Finland... Kouvola... Land of... Liqourice.

Yeah ok, so it doesen't work in all the countries of the world. But it does to most of them. Think about it... Picking grapes at a vinyard, the sun on your back and the red soil beneath you. The fresh breeze of of air brushing between the vines, the distant crash of the ocean. No care in the world except getting your basket full of grapes. Then as your chores are over, heading off to the wine bars and spending the rest of the warm evening amongst friends by the coast. Dude, seriously! Here in Finland the best you can hope for is an over priced beer at a seedy bar fly infested hole after a hard days work of staring off into nothing and/or snow...

 

"Ei vittu." A term often used by happy Finns.

I guess the whole idea behind a working holiday is that you get to see the country for it really is! Not just the tourist destinations or hotels. You meet the real people, you eat their food, live like they do, work like they do. For all matter of purposes you are Australian for that one year. I like that idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm still Finnish. I love my country. This place is great. Really! 

So yeah. Thats my Plan B. I work for a year, enjoy a holiday at the same time. Thats if I don't get into university. Life is unpredictable and all we can do is stay in the slipstream. Thats all for now kids!

 

-Four Years later-

"So what did you do there?"

*Putting on sun glasses.* "I became a fighter pilot..."