Yeah, I know, I know... I've been real busy ok?! But I have not forgotten about you, my little minions!
So, for the past year, I've been living it up here. Spending my time studying by a beach, getting served by hot women and drinking Pina Coladas, while I enjoy the sunset. Yes....
My campus. Not too shabby.
A lot of you are probably thinking how my studies are going so far? Well, not too bad really. Completed shooting my first short film with 16mm film (Which is absolutely hell to work with, but worth it), did two other tv productions and even a small special effects Skit! How about that?
All good then, I hear you say. Well... Now that my 2nd year is about to kick in, I'm going to reflect on things I learned that have nothing AT ALL to do with my studies. Which seem to be more important for me to know than things like HyperFocal Distance and F-stops. So lets start with something light, hmh? How about...
1.APE RAPE
Every week last year, I had scrabble night with my other international friends. This was our vain attempt to unwind from the week with a few beers and lousy vocabulary, that usually ends up with uplifting words such as TIT, SHIT and BURRITO filling the board. Sure, we pretend to know esoteric words which we all secretly search through our phones for, when no one is looking.
"What the hell does OE mean?"
"You idiot, its the Gaelic word for grandchild."
"...Oh yeah... Of course, I knew that..."
We then proceed to drink more and digest the weekly proceedings. This includes us teaching each other what we learned in class that week. My futile attempts to teach my buddies the intricacies of film production, lenses, film sizes, etc, gets over shadowed by bad math skill from an accounting student as he tries to calculate our current score and the psychological musings of a deranged lecturer of criminal psychology. Thus, from this melting pot of intellectual might, ape rape is a very common subject.
All your ape are belong to us!
I have recently discovered that many species of ape have actually evolved rapist sub species that secretly infiltrate tribes, kill the alpha male, rape the women and then mutate into a hulking monstrosity that is now their new pimp daddy.
Bitch bedda' haf muh honey!
The real interesting bit is the fact that they're all scrawny and lanky in the beginning. Creepy, lonely geeks in need of attention and spending way too much time on their twig and spit built xboxes. Like the McLovin of the monkeys, or a McMonkey if you will. They of course pose no threat to the douchy alpha male who is too busy getting groomed by his lecherous harem. Thus, McMonkey slips into the alpha males tent one night and strangles, bashes and beats the ever loving shit out of the Alpha male, before chucking him down into the foliage below where an obviously hungry pack of tigers lie in wait. Most likely, due to a previous agreement made by McMonkey (citation needed).
"I said the fat one! No... Not him, the- What the hell are you doing up there?!"
Now, as the sole male among a thousand females, he is free to fulfil every despicably primal fantasy his little simian heart desires. Dressing them up in tight anime outfits, forcing them to play xbox or just plain ol' having his way with them. But the similarities to creepy sociopathic geeks does not end there! No! After they successfully raped every single female, they level up! I'm not kidding folks, these monkey grow in size and bulk until they themselves are the new Alpha males!
Why do I need to know this? I dunno, but it's in there now, so might as well beware of it.
2. ACCENTS CAUSE CONFUSION
Now, being the globally independent and accepting individual that I am, I have to admit that my accent IS a bit of a conundrum. My mother is English (from Manchester no less) and my dad is Finnish. And I have a pseudo-American accent. Yeah... I don't get it either. But it's something I grew up to accept, blaming everything from TV to my grade school for it. But back at home, it wasn't really an issue, because everyone in Finland speaks with a funny accent. It's what makes us "Special".
But over here... My god, people almost get upset with me when they can't place where I'm from. Some try to be really smart ass and automatically assume that I'm from somewhere and start talking about it, to my confusion. Then when I state I'm from Finland, they look suprised at first. Then a evil cloud grows over their head as their brains try to locate this so called fairy land of "Finland". Finally they give up and upright ignore me. But I guess it would be best explained with the following progression chart:
This happens to me everyday at work. Either I'm a American Canuck with Irish parents, or I'm from Soviet Russia. So I've learned to compensate. I just say, "Da."
3. It's not just the spiders and snakes that want to kill you...
Now, everyone knows about the spiders, snakes, crocodiles and sharks that infest this land and sea. Ready and hiding in wait for that one moment to attack you and drag you away to consume you alive. Well that's not all true...
You can add birds to that list. Specifically Plovers...
They want you dead and they know
where you live!
See those spines on the wings? Yeah, I know right, spines, but take a good look at them. They're poisonous. And these birds know it. I know it... Let me explain.
We actually had a couple nest in our backyard for a while and as an ignorant Finn, I was amazed at the pretty birdies that wanted to share their lives with us. So I went out to greet our new tenants and then they began making their noise. I wasn't deterred, curious about our new friends I inched ever closer to have a good look. Then they attacked me... I barely got away with my life as they swooped the hell out of me. After that, I was told that, "Them thar birds ya see, them be poisonous! They like to swoop down and attack tha face with them little spines... Gouge out the eyes... Old mate o' mine lost his left one like that!"
Thus followed a harrowing two weeks of pure avian horror, through which I learned a valuable lesson... Don't mess with the birds in Oz. They are poisonous and want to eat your eyeballs.
4."One does not simply walk in Australia!"
Now I know that in the US, driving your car, as opposed to walking would be a viable if not necessary option to get around. There are no side-walks over there, roving bands of muggers, rapists and republicans wander the streets in search of blood, thus your Hummer is your only mode of protection. I get it. I don't get it over here.
People don't really walk far here. They have cars for everything. They drive to go to a damn store that is only 100m away. Sure public transportation isn't quite up to par as our "Yuuu-roh-pean" counterparts, but to get shit from people about deciding to NOT get a car? Really?!
Then I'm told about the floods and the long distances and also the fact that them fancy ass buses don't really get to those hard to reach places. I start to understand, then I see on the news that the countless cars have washed away due to floods, because they thought they could risk it. So I'm back to thinking that my own two feet might be the best option around if shit goes down. But people keep on insisting that I get a car, or something bad could happen. Like, what if I have to get somewhere, really fast? Or what if I need to go some place else? Seriously, these are some of the challenging questions I get.
But in all honesty, this place is still awesome. So what if they don't know where I'm from or think that I need a car to protect me from winged plover demons? At least I won't get raped by monkeys.
Dedicated to my buddies Sven and Brandon, may they see that their home countries are far less eventful than the crazy land of Down Under! ;)
See you in the slipstream.
See you in the slipstream.
